Archive

2009

Oct 5#1. Isn’t it ironic?
  
Oct 6#2. Heigh ho, heigh ho, it’s off to work Kate goes!
  
Oct 7#3. Sky’s favorite is the Apatosaurus.
  
Oct 8#4. Hindsight is never more clear than when you’re dressed in a suit.
  
Oct 9#5. All-you-can-wish buffet!
  
Oct 12#6. I know a lawyer who calls legal assistants “scatteraries.”
  
Oct 13#7. In the pecking order, a senior associate ranks just below the parking lot car wash guy.
  
Oct 14#8. Plan B is to be one of the maids who cleans his house.
  
Oct 15#9. In especially ugly litigation, you can lose your identity and your soul. Actually, that happens even in normal litigation.
  
Oct 16#10. Portrait of a Gibbons, Doom, & Cratchit partner: He golfs. He smokes cigars. He drinks red wine. He vacations in Hawaii!
  
Oct 19#11. How to structure a winning argument.
  
Oct 20#12. When in Rome, read Machiavelli.
  
Oct 21#13. You know what sharks hate about cage diving? The cage.
  
Oct 22#14. Bailey also lost a pair of earrings in the men’s restroom at The Sky Bar, but she doesn’t want a replacement. Rhinestone dangles are so passé.
  
Oct 23#15. Renata retired after realizing she had reached the, uh, climax of her career.
  
Oct 26#16. “You don’t know how hard it is being a man looking at a woman looking the way you do.”
  
Oct 27#17. If a job’s worth doing, it’s worth getting tipped for doing it.
  
Oct 28#18. Kate prefers being called a pedestrian, not a “streetwalker.”
  
Oct 29#19. Penultimate worst icebreaker: “You’re a lawyer, right?” (Ultimate worst: “Do you know how fast you were going?”)
  
Oct 30#20. Happy Halloween 2009!
  
Nov 2#21. Gmail’s sobriety check: solve simple arithmetic problems to send e-mail. This eliminates both drunk e-mailing AND late-night correspondence between English majors.
  
Nov 3#22. Détente, Sky-style.
  
Nov 4#23. Law students: in comparison, even chopped liver looks good.
  
Nov 5#24. Cats probably think of the beach as a huge litter box.
  
Nov 6#25. A “cheater” is just someone in need of a better lawyer.
  
Nov 9#26. TaterTot Sutton, on the other hand, has a dignified ring.
  
Nov 10#27. Evil is hereditary, but sometimes it skips a generation. Especially if that generation is locked up in a dungeon.
  
Nov 11#28. TaterTot: the boost this economy needs.
  
Nov 12#29. D.A.R.E. to say no to lawyers!
  
Nov 13#30. Objection! My client is too culpable to answer that question!
  
Nov 16#31. But my name really is “A. Non Ymous!”
  
Nov 17#32. The three Xs stand for “eXceeds eXpectations of eXcellence.”
  
Nov 18#33. And how come it’s called Friends when they all used to date each other? Shouldn’t it be called Exes?
  
Nov 19#34. “Next time, I won’t bother getting married. I’ll just find a woman I dislike, buy her a house, and break half of my dishes.”
  
Nov 20#35. Prop 8 might’ve had a different outcome if it had been called Prop 69.
  
Nov 23#36. Sky also thought that “Once Upon A Time In The West” would have a fairy-tale ending.
  
Nov 24#37. “Natural variations”: the only explanation for why Gap, Old Navy, Guess, Esprit, and Banana Republic can all be found in the same mall.
  
Nov 25#38. Circumspection is the better part of discretion, which is the better part of family get-togethers.
  
Nov 26#39. Happy Thanksgiving 2009!
  
Nov 27#40. National Leftovers Day 2009!
  
Nov 30#41. Tip 97: Charades is a good party game AND an excellent Cary Grant/Audrey Hepburn mystery flick.
  
Dec 1#42. Kleptomania: 0. Friendship: 1.
  
Dec 2#43. “Legal impossibility” defined: a happy lawyer.
  
Dec 3#44. Lawyers invented the idea of watching pots that never boil. It’s the ultimate billing opportunity.
  
Dec 4#45. The legal system feels like a huge Rube Goldberg machine, combined with a failed Turing test candidate.
  
Dec 7#46. Dinesh is planning a fondue night to embrace the firm’s “melting pot” ethos. Also, he really likes cheese.
  
Dec 8#47. Dinesh’s motto: Dress for success. Or, barring that, dress to excess.
  
Dec 9#48. Dinesh likes to save up his brownie points until they form a 7-layer chocolate cake.
  
Dec 10#49. Nike’s slogan: Just do it! A lawyer’s slogan: Just claim you did it!
  
Dec 11#50. The office whisperer: the horse whisperer’s evil twin.
  
Dec 14#51. Logic: it keeps lawyers and Supreme Court justices warm at night. That, plus the burning pitchforks in the front yard.
  
Dec 15#52. Dinesh’s advice is similar to the Mafia’s: offered as an option, just like breathing.
  
Dec 16#53. Dinesh gives new meaning to the legal strategy of outtalking your opponent.
  
Dec 17#54. Lawyers: a society of blood-sucking freaks of nature. But without the glamour or aversion to garlic.
  
Dec 18#55. Kate’s stream of consciousness is Niagara Falls.
  
Dec 21#56. Lawyers play a professional game of telephone. “He said that she said that they think that we should.” Better than the social version, because lawyers get paid.
  
Dec 22#57. Kate’s honesty is refreshing. Ultimately selfish, but still refreshing!
  
Dec 23#58. Plus, Sky and Sydney are giving TaterTot unlimited ornaments to swat. It’s Christmas for everyone!
  
Dec 24#59. Santa delivers to Dinesh this Christmas.
  
Dec 25#60. Happy Holidays from Sharp & Useless!
  
Dec 28#61. Flail’s monsters aren’t cannibals. They’re the après-ski crowd: well-dressed, vicious dilettantes.
  
Dec 29#62. Lawyers: pedantic, unrealistic, and out of touch. Which can be a useful distraction during a crisis situation!
  
Dec 30#63. Ness and Sassy, sitting in a tree, committing v-i-o-l-e-n-c-e.
  
Dec 31#64. Writing a love letter is hard work. There’s a lot of buildup before “I love you.” Otherwise, it would just be a love Post-It note.
  

2010

Jan 1#65. Happy New Year 2010!
  
Jan 4#66. The real reason behind anonymous altruism: to avoid the dangers of gratitude.
  
Jan 5#67. Monster and eHarmony should join forces, helping people mate for life with the perfect business partner.
  
Jan 6#68. Imagine the legal fees the Suttons would save, if they could fire GDC and keep it “in the family” instead!
  
Jan 7#69. What do you get when you cross lawyers and cougars? A lot of lawsuits against juvenile defendants.
  
Jan 8#70. When I see LSAT prep books in stores, I desperately want to write “DON’T DO IT!!” on the cover. But I’m too law-abiding to deface private property.
  
Jan 11#71. Perfection can be so embarrassing.
  
Jan 12#72. Accreditation is for wusses. I want a dean who can bodyslam the other deans. Or, barring that, a dean so famous that paparazzi chase him as he drives through Europe!
  
Jan 13#73. Lawyers often employ a multiplier. Thus, meetings are billed at twice the length when they’re twice as annoying.
  
Jan 14#74. Sam’s Owner thinks “we met in a bar” is classier than “we met after my psychic cat foretold that we would have a romantic relationship .” Also, shorter.
  
Jan 15#75. Classic lawyer move: citing arbitrary factual differences in order to arrive at a predetermined, illogical conclusion.
  
Jan 18#76. A lawsuit divides people into two groups: interested and disinterested. The difference becomes manifest at midnight on Saturday, when you’re still in the office.
  
Jan 19#77. Warwick psychic prediction: you’ll never fall in love again; instead, you’ll walk on by to Alfie’s house in San Jose to say a little prayer (because that’s what friends are for).
  
Jan 20#78. All lawsuits derive from the same genus: disappointment over how far reality veers from one’s expectations.
  
Jan 21#79. Not to mention, they use more hair product than I do. And kiss like fish.
  
Jan 22#80. Happy Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day 2010!
  
Jan 25#81. Dating a lawyer is like a backhanded compliment. On the one hand, someone likes you! On the other hand, that “someone” is a lawyer.
  
Jan 26#82. Per Kate’s Mom: “A corporate lawyer is one step below a criminal. Thugs didn’t have choices. Also, suits make you look heavy, dear.”
  
Feb 4#83. The difference between dating and law: it’s only legal to charge by the hour for one of them.
  
Feb 8#84. Kate’s struck gold: A guy who not only listens, but also remembers! A mixed blessing when telling white lies…
  
Feb 9#85. Kate thinks she should save everyone some time — if she breaks it off early, no one’s invested yet.
  
Feb 10#86. Kate has a good heart. No morality, but enough of a heart that she hates to see kittens squashed.
  
Feb 11#86. Bryan loves the sinner, hates the sin. He especially loves it when sin is wrapped in a hot pink, low cut bustier.
  
Feb 12#88. Happy Valentine’s Day 2010!
  
Aug 10#89. Welcome back, Sharp & Useless!
  
Aug 11#90. Dating Kate is like getting civil rights — patience is required.
  
Aug 13#91. Hey, a kitty can dream…
  
Aug 16#92. Perhaps she’s thinking along the lines of a truck stop?
  
Aug 18#93. Nine out of ten people will lie to you because it’s convenient. The last guy will do it because it’s fun.
  
Aug 23#94. Getting laid — apparently, the latest casualty of the Robot-Dinosaur wars…
  
Sep 1#95. Kate’s legal tactics are applicable in real life, too: when all else fails, stall.
  

2011

Jul 21#96. We’re coming back — sharper and uselesser than ever.
  
Jul 28#97. Coitus interrup — Did I tell you what my friend is planning to do?
  
Aug 1# 98. America: a big, gooey melting pot of things that don’t melt.
  
Aug 4#99. Gyms: hard work, hard bodies, and sweat. Hard work optional.
  
Aug 8#100. Kate is the best “worst best friend” a person could hope for.
  
Aug 11#101. At least Kate didn’t charge for writing Sydney an e-mail.
  
Aug 15#102. Some electronics are suicidal, I swear.
  
Aug 18#103. Extended metaphors go on and on and… hey, something shiny!
  
Aug 22#104. Unfortunately, Dinesh doesn’t need money. The rich can be so tiresome.
  
Aug 25#105. Money doesn’t have much to say, but it uses a megaphone to say it.
  
Aug 29#106. Kate used to date a guy in the Department of State…
  
Sep 1#107. And Sydney’s innocence dodges another bullet.
  
Sep 5# 108. I know a lawyer who carries a shredder in his trunk. Really.
  
Sep 24# 109. Gossip and legal reasoning: “It could be true” taken to hopeful conclusions.